May 20, 2010
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Crazy
So yeah, these are crazy days. I don’t feel like myself any more, and I don’t like it. I’m actually being chastised for it, like I’m choosing to feel this way. I lose my feeling of identity and then get walloped for letting it happen. Fun stuff.
Thankfully God is right here with me every step of the way, holding me in His arms and whispering that it’s okay because HE knows who I am and HE won’t ever forget. And the way He uses Steve to cover me with His love…there’s just no way to describe the security and relief that comes from that. I always know I can crawl into his arms and belong and be held and be cherished no matter what is going on around me or inside me. I will always adore God for uniting my heart with Steve’s.
The harassment has subsided in some ways, but the drama continues. Now there really is slander and libel being perpetrated, only it’s against me. But I guess that’s acceptable. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is stick out my chin and breathe deeply and keep looking ahead instead of going off on people for their lies and gossip and ugliness. I’m certainly not saying it’s anything like what Jesus went through, but I definitely know it’s tough to do and I’m glad to know He understands.
I was asked yesterday if me posting negative things honors God. I suppose the foregone response was “no”, but after giving it a lot of careful thought and talking it over with Steve, I think I might say “sometimes”. If nothing negative ever honors God, then what was the cleansing of the Temple? What were the rebukes that Jesus spoke to those who misrepresented Him? Not that I am Jesus, by any means, but I am trying to be like Him so I’m honestly wondering. Doesn’t standing up for what is right honor God? And what about calling out brothers and sisters in Christ for treating others like garbage and causing people to want nothing to do with Him? Does speaking out against that kind of behavior not honor Him more than just letting it go and acting as though it doesn’t matter?
I have a lot of questions about faith lately. Thankfully God welcomes my questions and doesn’t mind me fumbling around searching out the answers.
Comments (2)
I just can’t imagine what lurks in the hearts of men (and women) that make them hurt other people. I truly don’t understand it. I especially can’t imagine anyone hurting you … I can’t wrap my mind around it at all. *hugs*
I don’t really know much about God anymore. I’m truly confused and pretty emotional about it but I do know this — you’re absolutely right about “brothers & sisters in Christ” treating others like garbage and causing people to want nothing to do with Him. I have often cried when I’ve read what Christians have written about people like me. I’m sure I’ve told you this before but I’m going to tell you again — because of who you are and how God’s love radiates through you I’ve always felt that if anyone could lead me back to God, it would be you. I cling to your faith because it gives me hope. Even when facing adversity, you still praise Him and look to Him. It amazes me and makes me want what you have. You’re a good woman, a good Christian and a good friend. I love you, Lady!
I wish I really could hold you but I know you have good arms wrapped around you … I hope Steve gives you an extra warm hug for me. <3
@fridays_child -
I can’t even begin to find the words to tell you how reading this made me feel. My sweet, precious friend. It is YOU who has inspired ME. I’ve had quite the struggle of my own lately–not a crisis of faith, really, just a crisis of trust in His people. It isn’t God I’m doubting, for He has never left my side. I have become jaded in the past few years, and sadly it is due to being treated badly by “His” people (or at least people who wear His name like a badge). But I’m starting to see the damage that it does to rail against such ill treatment, not just because it can be seriously damaging to the Cause, but because…well, if it was good enough for Jesus, how can it not be good enough for me? And I don’t say that tritely. I mean, who am I to be treated well when HE was dumped on in ways I will NEVER comprehend.
So thank you, my darling friend, for your words of healing and purpose and purest love. You have no idea how deeply you have touched me today. I would like to talk with you further about all of this. Perhaps through FB messaging? I love you, with all my hair. I would say my heart, but my hair is higher and there’s way more of them. ♥