April 25, 2011
-
Screaming in My Head
This is not a socially acceptable butterflies and sunshine post.
This is a little more real than that. Because most days I try hard to keep whatever I write positive and upbeat and encouraging.
And then there are days like today when I want to scream myself hoarse and then hide under a rock for weeks. Maybe years.
Whether this means I am inching closer to menopause, or I really am just the loser I feel like I am, it sucks.
Whatever this stage is, whatever the phase, whatever the season of life, I hope it passes quickly. I don’t like it here.
I want to move out of New Port Nowhere, back to civilization where schedules are respected and people care and I actually have friends and do things with people and I have a life and feel like there is some purpose to my days. Where I have some kind of help with homeschooling so I don’t feel like I’m out on a limb alone. Where I can go to the bookstore sometimes and sip coffee and smell the books and spend time with a friend. Where I’m not haunted by the ever looming reason we moved to this place to begin with.
I want to be on the other side of the move, after the packing and the TRYING to sort through and get rid of stuff and being overwhelmed over what to get rid of and how to get it all into a truck we can’t afford to rent and move it to a house we had to hunt for and qualify for, after the starting up of utilities and changing of address and the goodbyes to the few people up here who have truly become dear. I want to look BACK on all of this.
There are moments when I feel like if this doesn’t happen soon I might go insane.
I wonder if anyone really stops to think about how their words and actions affect others. It blows my mind the way some people just bark out changes and expect everyone around them to suck it up and change whatever needs to be changed and roll with it. And my role, as I understand it, is to keep my mouth shut and make the changes and break other plans and make the appropriate apologies for how it all affects others–because, see, here’s the thing: I DO CARE HOW WHAT I DO AFFECTS OTHER PEOPLE!
This is one of those days when I feel like everyone, including me, would be better off if I went back to bed, pulled up the covers, and cried myself into a coma.
Maybe people would at least be kind.
Okay, probably not, but the tiny shred of optimist in me would like to think so.
Enough. This is too long already.
