I’m grappling with a serious sinus headache this afternoon. Took some Ibuprofen, and I’m hoping it kicks in soon. Even the hum of the dishwasher is making me want to chew a wire in two. Maybe a cinnamon streusel muffin will help. If not, at least my mouth will be too full to fit a wire into it. I thought about lying down for a little while, but afternoon naps and I don’t mix well, at least not if I hope to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight.

School went well today. I love my students, even with the giant hole between their ages (two high schoolers in grades 10 and 12, and two 4th-graders). We’re finishing up week 2, and I’m almost starting to feel a groove taking form.

My man should be home from work in 20 minutes or so. It’s always nice to have him come home.

There’s a certain comfort in the anonymity that comes from people not paying my blog much attention. There are times when I’m actually glad there isn’t a lot of traffic here, sort of like living on a quiet country road. This is one of those times.

Another friendship pruned from my life. I’m almost there, God. Almost. Soon you won’t have to do this any more. Soon I will get the message and there won’t be any more pseudo-friends to prune. Soon there won’t be anyone close enough to warrant pruning. And I think I’m finally going to be okay with that. Honestly, the terms “friendship” and “women” don’t go together in my heart any more. At least not to much of a depth. I have to think it’s safer this way; it just hurts way too much when the Turning comes, and each time it takes another piece of my heart away. If I hope to have any of the danged thing left, I’d better start doing a much better job of guarding it, like the cover of my journal beseeches in embossed gold script.

A couple of weeks ago I joined the writers at Examiner.com as the Tampa Homeschool Examiner. I haven’t been able to focus very much on my articles over the past several days for reasons mentioned above, but it’ll get better. Soon I’ll be putting out an article a day-ish. Suggested topics, as always, are welcome.

I’ve been making homemade bread every day. I love my Hitachi bread machine. It sure is a workhorse. I’ve actually been cooking a lot from scratch lately. I’ve always loved cooking from scratch, but a couple of months ago we started going through some tight financial times and that necessitated doing some bulk buying and trimming any “convenience” foods off the grocery list. I got in the habit of the home-cooked everything, and now I’m kind of liking it. So is my family.

Well, if I’m going to be doing very much writing I should probably try to at least outline a few articles.

Riding down I-275 on the way home this past weekend, I found myself trying to imprint the images of everything we said and did and saw and experienced over the weekend on my brain so I could recall it in vivid detail in my writings. Recall never fully captures the reality, but I like to give it my best shot.

I took several pictures of Pam and David’s farm. I loved how the mist crouched in little clouds just above the ground in the cow pasture and in misty rows between the trees in the pecan grove. The images were breathtaking. I can easily see what draws people to places like that. There is a peacefulness–a feeling I know my mother felt when she kept returning to GA all those times. I can understand how she must have felt pulled between Florida and Georgia like a yo-yo made of longings for both places. I felt that this weekend. I am mostly drawn toward the people–my family–but I am also drawn toward the scenery, the atmosphere, the natural beauty of the red Georgia clay, the hills, the genuine, earthy friendliness of the general populace.

Listening to the boys play guitar with Uncle AJ was a blessing I would be hard pressed to put into words. Maybe I can add a few photos to this entry later when I have them re-sized. We were told he has good days and bad days since deciding against continuing the chemo treatments beyond that first one that debilitated him so badly. Thankfully, Sunday was a good day and he seemed to truly enjoy his day of making music with his great-nephews. And he wasn’t alone in that enjoyment; they had a blast playing along with him and it showed in their mile-wide smiles. Rosie and Amanda caught quite a bit of the enjoyment on video that I know we will all enjoy for years to come.

More later…sometimes remembering can be rather exhausting.

I miss Mama so much it makes me feel physically sick sometimes. I’m finding I understand her better with every day that goes by, and it seems the more I understand her, the more I long to have her near me again.

Well, Mama, I do.
And I wish you were here to hold me again.

So yeah, these are crazy days. I don’t feel like myself any more, and I don’t like it. I’m actually being chastised for it, like I’m choosing to feel this way. I lose my feeling of identity and then get walloped for letting it happen. Fun stuff.

I have a lot of questions about faith lately. Thankfully God welcomes my questions and doesn’t mind me fumbling around searching out the answers.

Our Element Field Day went well this afternoon. The rain came just as we were finishing the games. Perfect timing. I keep hoping the storms will hang around for a while. Like several days. I’ve been hearing thunder off and on, so there’s hope.

I’m so tired. Right now I’m trying to decide whether to take a nap or wait it out for another couple of hours and just go to bed early. I wish there wasn’t so much stuff jumbled up in my head. It’s hard to focus in any one direction and feel like I’m getting anywhere.

Been seeking a lot of comfort in Scripture lately, particularly the Psalms. Particularly the ones that talk about God avenging His own. I need to remember that He can and will pull us through tough situations and not allow the ill-intended actions of others to go on unbridled forever.

I am so grateful for my amazing family. Went back to Element this past Sunday. I’ve really missed it. But I missed Trevor, too. And as luck would have it, I also missed Luke, since he got called in to play emergency drums for Trevor’s band at the last minute. Jeff and Kristen treated us all to CiCi’s Pizza after church. Jen and several other Elementers joined us, and a great time was had by all.

It’s a yucky feeling being so drawn to write, and then feeling like when I do, my words just fall flat. I know it’s because I’m not writing enough, not pushing through the mundane to the good stuff. I think I need to drag out a few Julia Cameron and Natalie Goldberg books. Yeah. Call in the big guns.

I made tacos for dinner. Who cares, really, except for perhaps my family who seemed to enjoy them a lot. I guess that makes it worth mentioning.

Blah.

Off to the bookshelf.

I just counted them. Nine blog entries since we moved here at the end of July. NINE entries in NINE months. That is inexcusable. I once wrote nearly every day.

My friend Kai is blogging here now. I’m so glad to have her here. She’s precious.

I would say there isn’t much to say tonight, but the truth is there is too much. It’s all rather overwhelming, and I do plan to try to word at least some of it in the coming days. I know I said that before, but that was also before I started getting threatened. Well, anyway. Bullies don’t always come dressed like bullies.

Of course I can’t post this until I get home, since I don’t have the internet
security code for the park. We knew it would be crowded today, but I have to say
I’ve lived in Tampa most of my life and I’ve never seen it this packed. We left
the house at 9:30am and at 12:30 I just sat down in the Zagora and the kids took
off on their ride adventures.

It took us an hour to get into the park because
Girlie lost her pass and we had to replace it. The good news is that it only
cost $5. to replace it instead of $10. like I thought. Paid three bucks for a
piece of chocolate cake that I could’ve passed on. Mama Mary’s chocolate cake
would knock this one off the ledge. Should’ve gone with the fries like I started
to. Oh, well…at least my sweet tea refill (brought my BG cup) only cost a
dollar.

I keep hoping eventually I will be able to make some kind of sense
out of what has been going on in certain areas of my life over the past few
days. Not that any of it has really blind-sided me. Some of it I knew would
eventually come, and even though I can’t say it ended up the way I would’ve
wanted, at least there is a closure that has been a long time coming. I’ve been
praying for a lot of wisdom in the making of some pretty significant decisions.
At times like this I miss Mama so much I can’t word it.

This is certainly a
day for people-watching.  There are hundreds and hundreds to watch. And talk
about a diverse bunch! Cute kids, cute elderly people, parents with absolutely
no control over their kids whatsoever, people of all shapes, sizes, colors,
accents, and personalities. I watch the face of the elderly employee walking
around with his spray-bottle, cleaning the tables and gathering trays. What he
lacks in teeth, he makes up for in friendly smile. I bet he has stories to
tell.

The kids just stopped by on their way from Montu to Shiekra.  I snapped
the picture above while they were here. Such great kids. Nevermind. I didn’t post the picture. Oh, snap, my face looks fat. Well, probably because it is fat.

Oh, my word, my
chocolate cake is so much better than this! The cutest little sparrows just came
hopping by my table in search of yummy crumbs. They can have my cake. Wait—I
want the chocolate chips. Little birdies don’t need chocolate chips. Or cake,
but anyway. Oh, for some homemade chocolate buttercream frosting to go on
this.

I haven’t seen my spray-bottle friend in a little while. His co-worker
must have taken his place. This one has a friendly face, too. And more teeth and
lovely brown skin and different stories to tell.

A duck just waddled under my
chair on his way to find munchies. Not even kidding. I am actually having a
lovely time. One of the hardest things about pre-menopause and the sporadic
depression that often accompanies it is the constant feeling of impending doom.
There is an inability to feel true, deep, pervading happiness because there
always seems to be a cloud of reminder above my head telling me I can’t be
really happy because something could go wrong at any minute. Something with
health, or a loved one, or the economy, or the government, or a friend, or
finances, or…well, just something. I get tired of never feeling the freedom to
be joyful.

I am being stared down by a beautiful little boy with piercing
blue eyes and a faceful of reddish freckles. I think I embarrassed him when I
smiled at him. He hid under the table and doesn’t look like he has any intention
of coming out any time soon. He looks like he could use a nap. I think I could,
too.

I love this breeze, but my allergies are starting to kick up. My eyes
are itching like crazy. It’s a beautiful day today, in the mid-80’s I’m
guessing. I lucked out and found a table (quite the miracle all on its own) near
a post with an electrical outlet. I was so excited when I saw it. I was prepared
to try out the duration of my extended life battery, but now I don’t even have
to tax it.

Ah, there’s my spray-bottle friend again. I wonder if it hurts his
back to bend over the tables like that so often all day long. I’m grateful that
I don’t have to work hard at manual labor all day long like Mama did for so many
years. She gave up so much to raise her kids despite the issues she had with the
deadbeat husbands she had throughout her life. I guess it was good that I got
married so young; it meant fewer years of her being a single mom struggling to
raise a kid alone. I was thinking about that earlier, actually, how Steve has
actually been my “father figure” since I was 15. Rosie’s age, pretty much. That
is a bizarre thought.

One of the (many) things Laura did when she was at our
house doing computer stuff a couple  of weeks ago was set up our wireless
network so that our computers would communicate with one another and each could
talk to the printer. Well, actually, she showed me the basics of setting up all
the laptops so that would be possible; I just have to do the settings on my
laptop and show the kids how to set up theirs. It will be nice for them to have
the capability of sending things directly to the printer—especially Trevor with
his music.

As disillusioned as I have become in the past few years with
church (which ironically has not affected my love for God at all), the
inescapable fact is, I love people. Just people in general. I look into their
faces as they walk by, and I see the insecurity in their eyes, the nervousness
in their smiles, the shyness and the bubbles and the one commonality of a deep
longing to be accepted. I want to tell each one of them that God loves them, and
that I do, too, as crazy as that sounds. Sometimes I wonder what someone would
do or say if I just blurted out, “Hey, you know what? God loves you, and so do
I.” Wow, that sounds really dorky. Like, contrived or rehearsed or something.
See, there goes that triteness again that is inherent in so much that is said
and done in Jesus’ name any more, and that people tend to run from. How do I get
away from that but still remain true to the message that God DOES love people,
and that because of His very real presence in my life, I do, too?

One of the
highlights of my day is an employee  who has to be one of the friendliest folks
I’ve ever just casually met. He’s a table-cleaner, too, but he seems to take his
job beyond cleaning to encouraging and just being an overall nice guy. He has
stopped by my table to chat several times, and told me that there is an indoor
café not far from the Zagora with wifi, called the Garden Gate Café.  I’ll be
checking that out next time we come and it’s a laptop day for me.  One thing is
certain: He’s good for park business.  He just walked by again and I got his
name. I’ll be letting Pete and others know that they’ve got a keeper in
Carlos.

I just noticed the wires strung across the patio above the
umbrella-covered tables outside the Zagora’s veranda. Presumably they are there
to deter seagulls from swooping down and annoying the diners—a trick they could
use over at the little eatery by Shiekra. The birds over there are a nuisance. I
do love to hear their yawking, though. Reminds me of the beach and of my beloved
Florida. I can’t imagine ever living in another state.

I also just
discovered that my lucky electric outlet isn’t even working. I’m just under
half-battery, which isn’t too shabby considering I’ve been sitting here for
about three hours. The kids should be returning soon. It’s been a good day here
at Busch Gardens Tampa Bay, sitting under the veranda and enjoying the bustle of
activity and the warm sun and gentle breezes. I’ve had a really nice time. I’m
looking forward to my next Busch Gardens writing day, perhaps next time at the
Garden Gate Café. Maybe they will even have a working outlet.

All kinds of odd things going on to deal with right now. Sometimes it gets just a bit too overwhelming. Have to hang in there, though. Don’t have a choice.

God has been clarifying a lot in my life lately. Some of it has been pretty painful, but then a lot about life in the past few years has been downright excruciating. Way too many questions without answers, way too much emotion to try to sort out. Too many feelings without words to describe them. I’ve discovered I am not a fan of confusion.

Going on an outing tomorrow, taking four teens to an amusement park. Normally I’d be hitting all the roller-coasters with them and flitting all over the park right in step, but tomorrow I’m going to take my laptop and sit in the cafe veranda and write and read and relax. I’m actually looking forward to it.