Sometimes I wonder if this is my normal “season” for being down. And that begs the question “Why?” Is it the Easter season? That should be happy. After my mother died in Nov. of 2005, it took me until the following March to be gripped by a choking depression that lasted until July. My bout with clinical depression hit at the end of March back in 1997, right after a close friend died suddenly. Who knows, maybe the infection that claimed our newborn baby daughter in April of 1990 actually hit my body in March. Maybe there is some kind of trauma memory lingering there. Yeah, sounds preposterous.

I said goodbye to a friendship for good yesterday. It’s one I’ve held onto for a few years longer than I should have. I can’t even quantify the amount of pain that would’ve been spared had I just walked away years ago. I even tried to walk away after she turned her back on me and didn’t speak to me for a year. I’m not one to walk away, though. I just keep hurting and hanging on, hoping for a miracle. Well, alliteration aside, miracles are no match for this one. I didn’t literally say goodbye to her, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. It isn’t like she even cares one way or another any more. I found out a lot from a mutual friend who finally opened up and told me things that I wasn’t aware of from the past several years. It left me reeling. Numb. Empty. Angry. Walled-up.

Done.

Guess I’d better not talk much about that, or I’ll be guilty of using my words to “cut to ribbons”.

Sometimes I feel like I never want to write again.

Yikes, it’s been more than a month (nearly two?) since I last posted here. I have several blogs, but this one will always be “home” for me. I’m a life member, thanks to my husband’s generosity, so I want to always show my gratitude by not neglecting writing here.

NPR is starting to feel more and more like home, even for Steve. Girlie loves her dance studio, says she feels like family there–which we worried we wouldn’t find again.

Thanks to Laurabelle, my day on Thursday ended much better than it began. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her in my life. I sure love her.

My fingers are freezing. This office is the coldest place in winter and the hottest in summer. That just isn’t fair. I was so hoping that at least it would be warmed by the sun during the day because of all the windows–just didn’t count on the draft through those windows fouling that up. We’ll have to look into window film once the hot weather returns so we can afford to air condition the place.

Things continue to deteriorate with the school. I sit here at my desk shaking my head at the choices some people make, and the lack of concern for how it’s going to affect other people. A lot of other people.

It’s been a really emotional week or so. Just one thing after another, nothing earth-shattering on its own, just a lot of things one on top of another leaving me feeling completely overwhelmed and lost.

Need to make breakfast for the kids.

Wow, I’m really getting tired of blog titles that say something about it being forever since I last posted. Guess I’m the only one who can do something about that, right?

Well, I pulled the kids out of the private school and left full-time teaching at Christmas break. It was one of the hardest but most beneficial decisions I’ve ever made. I’ll be going further into detail about all that in future entries. For now I really just wanted to poke my head in and see if anyone is still even around to read what I write. Not that I blame people for not checking a blog that’s been dead for months. Meh.

I’ve been listening to that song a lot lately. Could be because Imogen Heap’s voice intrigues me. It could be because the lyrics are almost haunting in their intuitive quality.

I feel broken tonight. For reasons I don’t even have the strength to go into at the moment. I just feel like I need to rest tonight. Rest and get ready for greeting tomorrow with a cheery smile and a will to have fun with the kids and forget about discouragement and disillusionment and love I thought was for a lifetime and not just for a season.

I just need to rest.

We’re all moved, finally. No, everything isn’t unpacked and put away like I hoped, and I’m trying hard to deal with that without coming unhinged.

We just finished our first week of school, and I consider it a good week. I’ve been exhausted every day–a couple of days enough so that I had no choice but to lie down for a bit after school (which means 5:30pm when football and cheer practice are over and Rosie has been dropped off at dance). But overall I’m happy with the way week 1 went, and I’m looking forward to the rest of the year. I love my students and our staff so much; they are family to me.

More later (I’ll try hard, honest).

Ever just feel like you can’t win? 

Sometimes I do.

I have articles to write, so I’m going to go work on those for a bit.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about teaching. Reading a lot about it, too. This afternoon I picked up a couple of teaching-related books from the library that I’d placed on hold, and this was on my way home from Barnes & Noble, where I had just used my educator discount card to purchase the book mentioned in my “Currently Reading” spot. It’s one of those rare times when I picked up a book at the store and instead of jotting down the title to see if I could find a used copy, I said, “I’m taking this home today.” And I did.

How am I making a difference?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, particularly today since picking up that book. Another book I had made note of earlier was one entitled The Excellent 11: Qualities Teachers and Parents Use to Motivate, Inspire, and Educate Children. As a perused the table of contents to allow “the 11″ to flit across my mind, I did a bit of a mental tally on my way down the list asking myself if I was utilizing those same qualities.

Enthusiasm
Adventure
Creativity
Reflection
Balance
Compassion
Confidence
Humor
Common Sense
Appreciation
Resilience

I’m thinking maybe I will do some further digging into these qualities and come up with a bit more information on how each one can be used most effectively, most often, most naturally. Yes, that’s what I think I will do.

If it is, I’m assuming it’s just preparation for another huge drop, or loop, or something crazy. This is my life we’re talking about, after all.

Summer is officially here. I worked a few days last week and will be working a couple this week on scheduling, but the truth is I’m glad to not be completely finished at school yet. As silly as it sounds, thoughts of school and my students (my babies) are continually on my heart and mind. I cried through a video yesterday at church in which a teacher said she stood in front of her class on the first day each year and told her students, “I’ve been thinking about you all summer.” That is so me.

The house is quiet at the moment, with everyone sleeping in. Of course Steve has been at work for a couple of hours already. It’s 8:35am, the time when we would be getting pretty close to arriving at school, so my internal clock isn’t wanting to let me sleep. I was up probably ten times during the night checking on Trevor. He’s been sick for a couple of days and I do not like it when my babies are sick.

It’s weird feeling like I can actually take time to relax and breathe for a moment without 18 things piling on top of me needing to be done right at that moment. Of course there is plenty that needs to be done around the house, like serious housecleaning and purging stuff we don’t need in preparation for moving in Sept. I don’t even want to think about moving. Seriously, it makes me feel sick. And not even because I don’t want to leave this area, really; it’s more that I just don’t want to think about how grueling moving (even locally) can be. I’m actually looking forward to living closer to school and to Rosie getting into a new dance studio.

I guess that’s enough for this time.