I’m more grateful than I can begin to describe that my husband is feeling better after whatever the heck went wrong with him yesterday. I called him after our staff meeting at school and almost didn’t even recognize his voice on the phone. He was terribly sick, and wasn’t even certain he could get downstairs let alone drive home from work.

I’d forgotten he was working late every day this week, so I was assuming he’d already be home. He told me to go ahead and take Rosie to dance, but after I hung up the phone I had an uneasy feeling and Rosie apparently felt the same way because she quickly agreed to forego her ballet class to go pick up her daddy. I picked Luke up and took him with me, and when we got to Steve we decided that Luke would just take his car to work since he was already downtown. I brought Steve straight home, but not without wondering if I should take him to the ER instead. He’d been throwing up, was weak and dizzy, and his hands were buzzing. He wasn’t totally sure if the discomfort in his chest was from vomiting or something else, which scared us both nearly out of our wits. I was nearly numb with fear, and just kept praying over and over that God would help him to be okay.

He went right to bed, and all evening I just kept praying and checking on him. I lay down with him at around 9pm, figuring I wouldn’t sleep much probably but I at least wanted to get a head start on trying. I prayed myself to sleep, then prayed every time I woke up during the night, gently feeling his shoulder for the rise and fall of breathing or straining to hear sounds of him in the darkness.

When I awoke at 4:30am I remembered there was an email I’d meant to send to the parent of one of my students so I went ahead and got up to take care of it. I heard him awaken and was half afraid to even ask how he was feeling. Turns out he was feeling much better, just mostly weak and drained. He said he thought he’d be okay coming with us to school today as planned.

Our day ended up being wonderful, with all of us together. I am so grateful for God’s healing hand. There’s no doubt in my mind it was His healing power that caused Steve to be so completely healed in just a few hours. I was so scared I can’t even begin to word it.

Thank you, Abba.

I’m a slacker. I fully recognize it, but there really is an explanation for anyone inclined to read it.

I haven’t had a lot of time for photography, but I did have a senior photo shoot on Monday. I got the editing and uploading done last night. I have another senior shoot coming up in a week or two, and a wedding in early May.

The kids’ band is rehearsing here this afternoon, getting ready for their show tonight. They are one of the bands playing a benefit concert for a couple in our church who is adopting a baby.

It’s a bit past the 21st, but happy birthday, Sam. I hope you enjoyed your day. It was fun hanging out as a family in the morning and sharing chicken fettuccine Alfredo for lunch. I’m glad you and Bananders got to watch the sun set on the beach and spend the evening together. You are amazing, and I love you with all my heart.

Love,
Mom

My son, Matt turned 16 last Monday, and in true Matt fashion did so without a lot of fanfare or glitz. I’m never sure how much it’s okay to go nutty over events for him, since he is my more laid-back and private kid. I wanted to shout off the roof-top, “My baby boy is 16 today!” but I’m pretty sure that would have embarrassed him way more than the whole school singing the birthday song to him during morning assembly (it wasn’t done at my prompting but I confess I would’ve prompted it if his brother hadn’t).

Of course I also want to shout (from somewhere), “I’m getting so freaking OLD!!!” but I’ll refrain. For now.

My baby daughter (the baby of the family) will be 14 soon, and then…well, then I’ll be seriously old.

Oh, and I’m making him peanut butter pie as a birthday “cake” today, and I’m making Stromboli for dinner–his favorite.

Picking up somewhere near where I left off…

Today’s study keys on desperation. David finds himself low on hope and high on defeatist attitude. His resulting behavior is extremely out of character for this “man after God’s own heart”, but interestingly I could completely relate to it, and I’m thinking I’m not alone.

A quote I noted was:
“Beware! Long term battle can cause vision impairment if eyes focus anywhere but up!”

I don’t know about you, but right about now I am feeling like I have been through some major long term battle! It’s not hard to see, either, how my vision has been impaired by allowing my focus to shift from up to over at the stress and fear and uncertainty of the journey.

How do YOU keep your focus upward in the midst of your long term battle?

An Aside:
I am currently reading the Circle trilogy by Ted Dekker, and today’s Bible study lesson rings very familiar with what the primary character (several of them, actually) is experiencing. It’s something between unnerving and somehow gratifying that I can so completely relate with this hero’s feelings and emotions and…desperation. It’s interesting to note his thought processes as he grapples with his twin realities (and all the long term battle of both–I thought I had it tough with one reality to deal with!) and struggles to please his Maker with his choices and keep from failing those he loves (not to mention his country) at the same time. It’s just a little too familiar for my comfort, which is why I’m so interested in the outcome of this last book of the trilogy. I’ll update more on that later.

A key area in my Bible study this week talks about David’s response to injustice and tragedy. The text points to Scripture where David got word of the slaughter of innocent people. He responded in four ways:

1. He placed blame where it should have been: on Saul, on evil.
2. He reminded himself that God will repay evil.
3. He placed his hope solely in God.
4. He reminded himself that God is good.

My friend Shea and I were talking today about how hard it is to grapple with the injustice and tragedy and loss that seems so prevalent in our world today. She has lost two babies within a very short time, and is finding it terribly difficult to even get into the holiday spirit because of the darkness that grips her heart. I can totally relate to her, for somewhat different reasons.

Our family seems to have been dragged through some major upheaval in the past year or so, and it’s really taken a toll. While we all are quick to recognize how blessed we are, it is still difficult not to be deeply discouraged and even bitter. I had one too many knock-downs last night and just crumbled and cried myself to sleep–but not before writing out my pain and anger into my journal. I knew even as I was scribbling feverishly onto the pages that I would look back on that entry later with a sheepish repentance. Still, I scrawled on.

So looking back at the list of ways David responded to the injustice and tragedy around him, I know there are lessons to be learned; I just have to get past the here and now enough to see them. Instead of being so quick to cry out AT God, I know I need to remember that my God is always good and is not to blame for evil. He is my eternal hope. That sounds all cute and churchy, but my heart knows it’s true.

Now, I just need to live like I believe it.

This week’s study starts out talking about the benefit of crying out to God.

“Volumes could be written in favor of going ahead and crying when the lump wells up within you.”

I have a terrible time with crying. I hate it. I rarely give in and “go ahead and cry”, even though I can attest to the fact that it usually does help. Why is that?

Do you have a hard time crying out to God? Why or why not?

Here’s a run-down of David’s responses to peril:
1. Prayed
2. Cried aloud.
3. Poured out his complaint to God.
4. Rehearsed his trust in God.
5. Longed for God’s presence.
6. Confessed his desperate need.

Do you have a tendency to do other things before, or rather than, crying out to God? If so, what are those things?

Our study this week goes into the topic of jealousy, and the stark difference between being jealous OF, and jealous FOR someone else.

The study asks if the reader is jealous for someone’s best, and if so, whose? What are the results? The answer I wrote is my husband, Steve. He is such an amazing man, and I wish others could know his heart on a deeper level. I’ve been blessed beyond words by his presence in my life, and the people who have told us of the blessing he’s been to them are too numerous to count. There are few people who have met him who have not emerged better for that knowing.

The converse also begs to be answered within the individual heart: Are you jealous of someone’s best? Whose? How is it playing out in your life? What are the results?

Which brings me back to Steve. I’ve seen people’s jealousy of him cause them to treat him in terrible ways. It breaks my heart even now to think back on it. And the worst part is that some of the meanest things that have been said to him were said by a church elder and a pastor. Instead of allowing themselves to be enriched by this dear man of God, they allowed jealousy to rip apart relationship and stifle growth and benefit. It’s horribly sad, and is made even worse by the lasting effect it has had on Steve in making him wary of getting close to anyone and opening his heart in deep friendship. While I rejoice that his best friends are his family members, I also wonder what kind of blessing he could be in male friendship had he not been scorched by the flames of others’ jealousy.