Letting love cause me to trust unwisely. Long story. Private story.

One day I will learn.

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

Tampa is feeling more like home again. I’m glad for that. There are quite a few feelings I still need to more fully explore over the coming days and months. Some of the emotions I need to open up are ones I’m not sure I will want to face. There are many things about the past year I need to go back over, write about, pray about, and to become more clearly aware of the lessons I’ve learned. With the time we’re looking at spending with our family separated from one another (our landlord has decided not to allow anyone to take over our lease so we are stuck living on two separate coasts until Oct.) I will have a lot of time for exploring these thoughts and more.

Two nights ago standing in Barnes & Noble I turned to find myself face to face with my Mare. I’m pretty sure it’s been a long while since I experienced a hug quite like that one. It’s like we knew we missed each other but neither were fully aware of how much until that moment. She invited us to stay with her for a few days and we gratefully accepted.

Mare and I have been talking a lot today about Muses and personality and frivolous but entertaining things like the above-mentioned chair scooting, and it occurred to me that the mind is a vast and bizarre and wonderful thing. I haven’t talked about Sophia in a long time (I have to wonder if that upset her); I think it was probably Kells with whom I spoke last regarding Sophia, whom I likely called Sophie at some point in the conversation to annoy her for being an evasive brat. I’ve missed my Kells, and I think I may have even missed that elusive Sophia even with her quirks and sporadic temperament.

I get to see my sweet Steve in an hour or so. I want to stay close to him as much as possible over the next five days before we are separated again.

We’re together as a family at least for a week. I don’t like the constant separation, but I’m trusting God to do something beautiful with it.

I need to call my cousin. Talked to her for a while this past week and we agreed we really need to spend some time together. I have missed her.

I’m pretty sure most will remember this, but I DO NOT LIKE REGULAR STRAIGHT KEYBOARDS. I do more backspacing than typing forward.  I need my Microsoft Ergonomic! UGH. But I’m grateful to have any keyboard at the moment. 

Church today, then CIY parent/student meeting.

Just a few more random thoughts…

Well, do you?
Thanks so much to all those who have responded to my “Do you love me?” message. The responses have been very interesting and yes, very affirming. I recommend such a message periodically for anyone who needs to hear that you mean something to others. It’s been very healing for me.

Nutter Butters
Never underestimate the healing and comforting power of a Nutter Butter Peanut Butter Sandwich Cookie.

Best hot cocoa ever
I’ve discovered an amazing hot cocoa concoction. Mix a packet of Nestle dark sensations hot cocoa mix and about a tablespoon of creamy chocolate powdered creamer into a cup of heated milk. Add marshmallows, stir, and enjoy pure bliss.

Dumb?
Tonight Trevor and Matt did childcare for a Financial Peace University preview our church hosted. I’ve been feeling pretty icky all day so rather than go and share what might possibly be a tummy bug with a bunch of defenseless littles, I dropped them off and went to Wal-Mart for bread and milk (and I guess to expose a bunch of defenseless shoppers with what might possibly be a tummy bug, but at least I didn’t have to be in their faces and tried to stay a cart-length away at all times). So my question is this: Is it dumb that I cried in Wal-Mart because everything I looked at reminded me of things my husband likes and it made the missing of him even harder?

PathWords
I’ve been playing PathWords on Facebook lately and today I raised my personal best score on a five-minute round to 830. Yeah, I was pretty pleased with myself.

The elixir of life
I’m drinking water. I don’t like water. I hardly ever drink water. I need water. I’m drinking water.

Halo 3
I love the music from Halo 3. Totally.

Which means it’s only three more days until I get to see my man.

We’ve gotten a small amount of packing done, but it’s hard to get motivated to pack in earnest when we still have like 6 or 7 weeks left before we can actually move. It’s just weird.

Sometimes I sit here thinking about all that’s happened over the past year and honestly it feels like my head is going to blow up. It’s completely overwhelming. It’s going to be a very long time before we understand *half* of what God is showing us through this experience. I know I’ve said that before, but it becomes more and more apparent as the days go by. If I even think about trying to journal it, my brain threatens to short-circuit. It’s just too much. Maybe one day I’ll be able to word it…or at least some of it.

I wrote an article recently about meeting my husband at a young age and having him become in many ways the father I always needed, about how my view of God was shaped not so much by my earthly father whom I lost when I was 12, but by my husband whom I met when I was 15.

Tonight Rosie and I and her four friends who are sleeping over watched the movie “Joshua”, an allegory of what might happen if Jesus came back in our time. I’ve seen the movie several times, and each time I am deeply moved by the likeness between the movie’s Joshua and Jesus. Tonight, though, I realized something. It isn’t just the movie’s main character who reminds me so much of Jesus. Once again I am made acutely aware of the Christ-likeness of my husband.

I missed him before, but now it’s even stronger. This distance thing…it is miserable, no?

See you soon, love.

I don’t mind it being just us girls, but I do miss the boys. Funny, you wouldn’t think 28 (almost) years into our marriage I would be weeping over being away from Pizza Man for four days. Really, though, I take it in stride being thought silly for crying over missing him. I’ve gotten used to being weird that way. And the bad part is I’ve gotta be without him again next week! UGH. Gotta do whatcha gotta do, though, and this is what we gotta do right now to move toward getting ourselves back home and all together again.

I’m just about convinced that there isn’t any getting off the roller coaster. There’s just changing cars. In mid-air.

One thing I won’t miss is trying to plan a day trip to accomplish a trip to a Target and a mall. I’m looking forward to being back home more than I’ve allowed myself to think about until recently. I’m very grateful for the things God has shown us, the things He’s allowed us to be a part of, the people He has brought into our lives here. I’m thankful for the deepened trust in Him, for the reminders that He is still holding us, for the assurance that He is in control and we are so not.

So yeah, this week the girlie and I will be packing, cleaning, going through stuff to thin out a few more of our belongings before the move, and hopefully along the way we’ll fit in some fun things like watching movies, making beaded bookmarks, eating convenience foods, and lounging around half-clothed if we want. And we certainly can’t undervalue the rare and treasured opportunity to go potty with the door open.

I love her. Always have, always will. No matter what. Time and distance and misunderstanding all fade slowly but purposefully away in the healing light of love. And all that is left is what the heart has known all along and was just waiting for me to figure out.

I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. Sorry if that disappoints some; I’m still kicking. 

I’ve just been thinking about something today. Does anyone but me ever get sick of people promoting the notion that if you’re a
Christ-follower, you have to keep your mouth shut all the time? I understand
that prudence of speech is paramount, so I’m not talking about running your
mouth constantly without regard to the effect it has on people. I’m talking
about wimping out and not speaking up for Truth because we’re afraid of
offending.

Have we forgotten that Jesus came to be a Scandalon–a
stone that makes men stumble and a rock that makes them fall? If we stand
for Christ, aren’t we GOING to offend? I guess what I’m saying is I want to be a woman who isn’t afraid to (as the song goes) “say what you mean to say”. I just can’t see it being inappropriate to want to have ovaries enough to speak the truth in love
but SPEAK IT for pity’s sake.

Anyway, this probably isn’t a popular opinion, and as with me in general it’s a work in progress. God is doing some pretty interesting work in me lately. Whoever said growth is painful made the understatement of the century. Growth is like having your eyelids rubbed with sandpaper. For reals.